Sitting on the curb with her hands covering her face, tears streamed through her fingers. I walked up to give her a cup of tea. The lights from the first response vehicles lit the night.
“Here you go Kim,” I say standing in front of her holding out the cup.
“What?” she asks startled, looking up with bloodshot eyes.
I gesture the cup toward her again, “I brought you some tea, all they had was coffee. And I know you hate coffee, soo I made you some tea.” She lifts a hand to grab the cup, her foil blanket falling from her shoulder. “May I?” I ask pointing at a spot of curb next to her.
Kim nods, and I sit. A constant commotion from the people tasked with handling the scene doesn’t allow for silence. Her ears are ringing, thoughts swirling without completely forming.
“I still see him,” she says trying not to let her tears get the best of her. I wait.
“Him hanging there. Why would he… How.. How could he?” Kim breaks down again.
I rub her back in a futile attempt to comfort her. Trying to think of what to say, “Was… Was there a note?” I ask not sure if that was the right thing to say.
“Yeah. I haven’t given it to the cops yet… I couldn’t read it… Will you?” Kim pulls a folded piece of not paper from her bra. She holds it between two fingers. Her tears begin to dampen it while she looks at the front of it, ‘To my Dearest Kim’.
I watch her as she struggles to hand it to me. As she passes it to me, “I just couldn’t open it,” she chokes out between breaths.
Holding the note my hands start to shake, What could possibly be his reasoning? I don’t know if I’m meant to know. He was my closest friend since I came here. How did I not know there was something bothering him this much? I slowly open the moistened paper trying to preserve it.
Beginning to read it I couldn’t bring myself to read it out loud at first. Reading the first couple of lines felt like an invasion. This wasn’t meant for me.
Powering through my hesitation, “My love, my everything, my Kim,
This is hard for me to write and I know it will be harder for you to read. Our time together has been the only thing that has kept me alive the three years we have been together. I had long hoped we would be one of those couples sitting on the porch watching our grandchildren play in the yard. I had done too good a job of hiding my depression from you, from the world. I had often thought how much better your life could be without me in it. You are a ray of sunshine. You lit up my world and I never felt worthy. Your love was unconditional, enlightening, and borderline ethereal. I was never worthy of it or you. My cowardice never let me tell you so, and you made it so easy not to think of while we were together. The moment you walked out the door, my will to continue went with you. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the family you so deserve. I hope one day you can forgive me. You truly deserve better. I know this will hurt you. I hope for not too long. I’m sorry I entered your life. But mine went on longer thanks to you. The thought of ever being without you is too much to bear. So I have ended it on my terms.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Please don’t hold on to my memory longer than you have to. I do want the best for you. I just don’t believe that’s me.
Goodbye my love. Thank you for seeing more in me than I ever could.”
Kim sat silent. Her stare long and unwavering, I refolded the letter and held it. Watching her sit, unblinking, and statuesque I had no words. Tears began to flow down my face. I knew what Simon didn’t, Kim was pregnant, If he knew, would he have done it? Would it have made a difference? She had only found out yesterday. She was going to surprise him tonight. If she hadn’t waited would he still be here with us? I thought they were going to be such a happy fa…
“I Can’t do this.” Kim stands dropping my mug and letting the blanket slip away. She takes the note from my hand, “I’m going to take this the officer over there,” she tells me. Her eyes were empty.
“Do you want me to go over there with you?” I ask rising from my seat.
“No.. No, I should do it alone,” she says before turning her back to me and walking toward the closest officer.
I watch as she hands the note to him. Kim wraps her arms around him and begins shaking as she cries into his shoulder. She pulls him close. He hugs her back with compassion. Her left-hand falls, opens his holster, she grabs his gun, pushes him away, raises it to her temple, “God Damn It Simon I can’t do this without you!” and before anyone can react pulls the trigger.